we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
