it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
