I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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