i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
