You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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