I got chris browned last night
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
