i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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