My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
