what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
