Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
