dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
