he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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