Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
So many bounce houses so little time
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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