he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
