I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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