You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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