Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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