My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
