I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
