Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
