Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize