Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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