If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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