I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
