hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
