I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
