The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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