The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
50% drunk capacity currently
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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