Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
