So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
