So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
