I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
bring money and cleavage
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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