When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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