Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
