The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
