Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
