what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
