i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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