I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
