I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
