Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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