There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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