Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
