I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
