OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
