i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
