I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
