We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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