My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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