Have you finally orgasmed yet?
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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