when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
