Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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