K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
So much rum. So many feels.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
