She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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