all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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