He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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