He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
