Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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