yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Please don't give away my fajitas
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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