i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
