so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
