Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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