broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
