Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
