his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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