so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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