my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
